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How to Win Friends and Influence People – Dale Carnegie


Overview

Since its release in 1936, How to Win Friends and Influence People has sold more than 15 million copies. Dale Carnegie's first book is a timeless bestseller, packed with rock-solid advice that has carried thousands of now famous people up the ladder of success in their business and personal lives.


Chapter 1 - "If you want to gather honey, don’t kick over the beehive"

  • Someone rewarded for good behavior will learn much more rapidly and retain what it learns far more effectively than an animal punished for bad behavior.

  • Criticizing does not make lasting changes and often incur resentment

  • Ex. Even criminals don’t criticize themselves for the crimes they have commitment and tend to rationalize why they did them

  • People never forget criticism they receive throughout their life and it’s hard to gain their trust back after you hurt them through criticism

    • Ex. When Dale heard a writer he idolized before had died, all he could remember is when that writer has criticized his writing technique and how hurt he was from that

Quotes

  • "Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving."

  • "God himself, sir, does not propose to judge man until the end of his days. So why should you and I?"

Principle 1: Don't criticize, condemn, or complain.


Chapter 2: "The Big Secret of Dealing with People"

  • One way to get anybody to do anything: Is by making the other person want to do it.

  • The reason many wives and husbands leave their relationship is due to a "lack of appreciation" - remember to appreciate those around you especially your significant others

Quote:

  • Sigmund Freud said: "The two motives for humans are: i) The urge for sex and ii) the desire to be great"

Principle 2: Give honest and sincere appreciation.


Chapter 3 - He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way

  • Why talk about what we want? That is childish. Absurd. Of course, you are interested in what you want. You are eternally interested in it. But no one else is. The rest of us are just like you: we are interested in what we want.

  • The only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.

  • Daily Habit: Tomorrow you may want to persuade somebody to something. Before you speak, pause and ask yourself. "How can I make this person want to do it?"

  • If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person's point of view and see things from that person's angle as well as from your own."

  • Sounds simple but 90% of the people in the world forget this

Principle 3: Arouse in the other person and eager want


Part Two - Six Ways to Make People Like You

Chapter 1 - Do this and you'll be welcomed anywhere

  • You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.

  • Roosevelt was adored given how he would greet all his employees by their name

  • If you show genuine interest in people they will want to help you based on this connection and for no benefit of their own.

    • Ex. Saying hello to the front desk person everyday ended up being handy when the sales clerk tried to switch suppliers. The recommendation from that front desk person on my character to the sales clerk is what caused the sales clerk to keep ordering from me.

  • Remembering details about friends birthdays to send them personal notes - not many people do this and it leaves a lasting impression on the person who receives it

    • Action Item: Put close friends birthdays in my calendar to see

  • If you want to make friends, greet people with animation and enthusiasm. On phone calls remember to say hello in a tone that bespeaks how pleased you are to speak to the person. This can start the call off on such a positive mood.

    • Action Item: Start becoming conscious of how I greet people on my phone calls, make an effort to sound more pleasant

Quote

  • "It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring."

Principle 1: Become genuinely interested in other people


Chapter 2: A simple way to make a good first impression

  • Actions speak louder than words, a smile say, "I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you."

  • An insincere grin? No. That doesn't fool anybody. We know it is mechanical and we resent it. I am talking about a real smile, a heartwarming smile, a smile that comes from within, the kind of smile that will bring a good price in the marketplace.

  • Encouragement is a much more effective teaching device than punishment

Quote:

  • "People who smile, tend to manage, teach and sell more effectively, and to raise happier children."

Principle 2: Smile


Chapter 3: " If you don't do this, you are headed for trouble"

  • Jim Farley discovered early in life that the average person is more interested in his or her own name than in all the other names on earth put together.

  • But forget it or misspell it and you have placed yourself multiple steps back at a sharp disadvantage

  • People always point out and notice name mistakes in emails but never really point out other words

  • People will do a lot to have things named after them or associated with them

    • Ex. When Dale wanted to get food for his rabbits, he told the children that he would name a rabbit after them if they got enough food, which they happily did

    • Ex. Negotiating a merger, Andrew Carnegie was able to get the other side to agree to the merger quickly by telling the other CEO that the merged company would be named after him. This is not much economic value but gave Andrew lot of negotiating leverage

  • Ways to remember names: If you don’t hear the name distinctly, ask for it to be repeated and if you still don’t get it ask for the person to spell the name for you

  • When it comes to important names or if you want to learn fast by reviewing later, remember to write the name down on a piece of paper or in your phone

    • Ex. When Dale called the restaurant line lady by her name she gave him double the portions for free.

Principle 3: Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.


Chapter 4: An easy way to become a good conversationalist

  • Be engaged in speaking to people in conversation: "I told him that I had been immensely entertained and instructed-and I had. I told him I wished I had his knowledge - and I did. I told him that I should love to wander the fields with him-and I have. I told him I must see him again-and I did. And so I had him thinking of me as a good conversationalist when, in reality, I had been merely a good listener and had encourage him to talk".

  • Remember sometimes when people engage us for advice what they are actually looking for is a listener, so always listen first to see if they actually want advice

Principle 4: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

Chapter 5: How to interest people

  • He saw you were interested in boats, and he talked about the things he knew would interest and please you. He made himself agreeable.

Principle 5: Talk in terms of the other person's interests.


Chapter 6 - How to make people like you instantly

  • Law: Almost make the other person feel important

  • Use little phrases such as: "I'm sorry to trouble you", "Would you be so kind as to____?", "Would you mind"

  • Example of employees handing in their resignation and then after feeling appreciated revoke their resignation to stay at the firm.

Quote:

  • "The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated."

  • Important rule in the world. "Do unto others as you would have other do unto you."

Principle 6: Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.


Part Three - How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking


Chapter 1 - You Can't Win an Argument

  • Story: Dale proving someone's point wrong in front of his party hosts.

  • His friend replied: "Yes, of course he was wrong - but we were guests at a festive occasion, my dear Dale. Why prove to a man he is wrong? Is that going to make him like you? Why not let him save his face? He didn’t ask for your opinion or did he want it."

  • Dale's reflection: I not only had made the storyteller uncomfortable, but had put my friend in an embarrassing situation by asking to prove him wrong. How much better it would have been had I not become argumentative.

  • I have come to the conclusion that there is only one way under high heaven to get the best of an argument - and that is to avoid it.

  • Nine times out of ten, an argument ends with each of the contestants more firmly convinced than ever that he is absolutely right.

  • Tax Collector Story: This tax inspector was demonstrating one of the most common of human frailties. He wanted a feeling of importance; and as long as Mr. Parsons argued with him, he got his feeling of importance by loudly asserting his authority. But as soon as his importance was admitted and the argument stopped and he was permitted to expand his ego, he became a sympathetic and kindly human being.

  • Welcome the disagreement - Remember the slogan, "When two partners always agree, one of them is not necessary." If there is some point you haven't thought about, be thankful if it is brought to your attention. Perhaps this disagreement is your opportunity to be corrected before you make a serious mistake"

  • Distrust your first instinctive impression - "Our first natural reaction in a disagreeable situation is to be defensive. Be careful. Keep calm and watch out for your first reaction. it may be you at your worst, not your best.

  • Control your temper - Remember, you can measure the size of a person by what makes him or her angry.

  • Listen first - Give you opponents a chance to talk. Let them finish. Do not resist, defend or debate. This only raises barriers. Try to build bridges of understanding. Don't build higher barriers of misunderstanding.

  • Look for areas of agreement. When you have heard your opponents out, dwell first on the points and areas on which you agree.

  • Be honest - Look for areas where you can admit error and say so. Apologize for your mistakes. It will help disarm your opponents and reduce defensiveness.

  • Promise to think over your opponent's ideas and study them carefully. - And mean it. Your opponents may be right. It is a lot easier at this stage to agree to think about their points than to move rapidly ahead

  • Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest - Anyone who takes the time to disagree with you is interested in the same things you are. Think of them as people who really want to help you, and you may turn your opponents in to friends.

  • Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem - Suggest that a new meeting be held later than day or the next day, when all the facts may be brought to bear. In preparation for this meeting, ask yourself some hard questions.

Quotes:

  • "I argued against it, the more my prospect argued in favor of it; and the more he argued, the more he sold himself on my competitor's product."

  • Buddha said: "Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love, and a misunderstanding is never ended by an argument but by tact, diplomacy, conciliation and a sympathetic desire to see the other person's viewpoint.

Principle 1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.


Chapter 2: A Sure Way of Making Enemies - and How to Avoid It

  • You can tell people they are wrong by a look or an intonation or a gesture just as eloquently as you an in words - and if you tell them they are wrong, do you make them want to agree with you? Never! For you have struck a direct blow at their intelligence, judgment, pride and self-respect. That will make them want to strike back. But it will never make them want to change their minds. You may then hurl at them all the logic of a Plato or an Immanuel Kant, but you will not alter their opinions, for you have hurt their feelings

  • Never begin by announcing "I am going to prove so-and-so to you. "That's bad. That's like saying: "I'm smarter than you are. I'm going to tell you a thing or two and make you change your mind."

  • You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong. That will stop all argument and inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open and broad-minded as you are. It will make him want to admit that he, too, may be wrong."

  • I even forbade myself the use of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such as certainly, undoubtedly, etc. and I adopted, instead of the I conceive, I apprehend or I imagine a thing to be so or so, or it so appears to me at present."

  • If you do not listen to others opinions - you are not likely ever to know any more than you do now, which is very little

  • In other words, don’t argue with your customer or your spouse or you adversary. Don't tell them they are wrong, don’t get them stirred up. Use a little diplomacy.

Quotes

  • "I am convinced now that nothing good is accomplished and a lot of damage can be done if you tell a person straight out that he or she is wrong. You only succeed in stripping that person of self-dignity and making yourself an unwelcome part of any discussion."

  • Martin Luther King - "I judge people by their own principles - not by my own."

  • Jesus: "Agree with thine adversary quickly"

  • King Akhtoi of Egypt - "Be diplomatic, it will help you gain your point"

Principle 2: Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong."


Chapter 3 - If you're wrong, admit it

  • I admitted that he was absolutely right and I was absolutely wrong; I admitted it quickly, openly and with enthusiasm. The affair terminated graciously in my taking his side and his taking my side.

  • If we know we are going to be rebuked anyhow, isn't it far better to beat the other person to it and do it ourselves? Isn't it much easier to listen to self-criticism than to bear condemnation from alien lips?

  • There is a certain degree of satisfaction in having the courage to admit one's errors. It not only clears the air of guilt and defensiveness, but often helps solve the problem created by the error.

  • Any fool can try to defend his or her mistakes - and most fools do - but it raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and exultation to admit one's mistakes.

Quote

  • Remember the old proverb: "By fighting you never get enough but by yielding you get more than you expected"

Principle 3: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.


Chapter 4: A drop of honey

  • If a man's heart is rankling with discord and ill feeling toward you, you can't win him to your way of thinking with all the logic in Christendom. Scolding parents and domineering bosses and husbands and nagging wives ought to realize that people don't want to change their minds. They can't be forced or driven to agree with you or me. But they may possibly be led to, if we are gentle and friendly, ever so gentle and ever so friendly.

  • Affording rent story: "I complimented him on the way he ran the building and told him I should like so much to stay for another year but I couldn't afford it."

Quotes

  • "If I had tried to get the rent reduced by the methods other tenants were using, I am positive I should have met with the same failure they encountered. It was the friendly, sympathetic appreciate approach that won."

  • Remember what Lincoln said "A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall."

Principle 4: Begin in a friendly way.


Chapter 5: The Secret of Socrates

  • In talking with people, don't begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing - and keep on emphasizing - the things on which you agree. Keep emphasizing, if possible, that you are both striving for the same end and that your only difference is one of method and not of purpose.

  • Get the other person saying "yes, yes" at the outset. Keep your opponent, if possible, from saying "No."

  • The psychological patterns here are quite clear. When a person says "No" and really means it, he or she is doing far more than saying a word of two letters. The entire organism - glandular, nervous, muscular - gathers itself together into a condition of rejection. There is, usually in minute but sometimes in observable degree, a physical withdrawal or readiness for withdrawal. The whole neuromuscular system, in short, sets itself on guard against acceptance. When, to the contrary, a person says "Yes," none of the withdrawal activities takes place. The organism is in a forward moving, accepting, open attitude. Hence the more "Yeses" we moving, accepting, open attitude. Hence the more yesses the more we succeed in capturing the attention for our ultimate proposal.

Quotes

  • The Chinese have a proverb pregnant with the age-old wisdom of the Orient: "He who treads softly goes far."

Principle 5 - Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.


Chapter 6 - The Safety Valve in Handling Complaints

  • Most people trying to win others to their way of thinking do too much talking. Let the other people talk themselves out. They know more about their business and problems than you do. So ask them questions. Let them tell you a few things.

  • If you disagree with them you may be tempted to interrupt. But don't. It is dangerous. They won't pay attention to you while they still have a lot of ideas of their own crying for expression. So listen patiently and with an open mind. Be sincere about it. Encourage them to express their ideas fully.

  • "I discovered, quite by accident, how richly it sometimes pays to let the other person do the talking." - story about losing voice and having the client speak on his behalf in the meeting and end up selling to themselves

  • Letting the other person do the talking helps in family situations as well as in business.

  • Sometimes letting someone talk it out is much easier then guessing what they are thinking and their needs.

  • If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel you"

Principle 6: Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.


Chapter 7: How to Get Cooperation

  • Presenting a solution to your group or team story: Starting off by consulting them about their wishes and desires was just the shot in the arm they needed, in order to get motivated. No one likes to feel that he or she is being sold something or told to do a thing. We much prefer to feel that we are buying of our own accord or acting on our own ideas. We like to be consulted about our wishes, our wants, our thoughts.

  • Getting a client to buy your project story: "I urged him to give me his ideas. This made him feel that he was creating the designs. And he was. I didn't have to sell him he bought."

  • Letting the other person feel that the idea is his or hers not only works in business and politics, it works in family life as well.

Principle 7: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.


Chapter 8: A Formula That Will Work Wonders for You

  • Seeing yourself in your spouse's point of view results in a happier life for both.

  • Always explain your point of view to people in a non-authoritative manner so it can help them see your point of view as well.

Quote

  • "I would rather walk the sidewalk in front of a person's office for two hours before an interview than step into that office without a perfectly clear idea of what I was going to say and what that person - from my knowledge of his or her interest and motives - was likely to answer"

Principle 8: Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view


Chapter 9 - What everybody wants

  • Key line when trying to reason with someone: "I don't blame you one bit for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do"

  • Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you.

  • Story of responding to an angry journal critic: Because I had apologized and sympathized with her point of view, she began apologizing and sympathizing with my point of view. I had the satisfaction of controlling my temper, the satisfaction of returning kindness for an insult.

Principle 9: Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.


Chapter 10: An Appeal That Everybody Likes

  • J. Pierpont Morgan observed, in one of his analytical interludes, that a person usually has two reasons for doing a thing: one that sounds good and a real one.

  • The person himself will think of the real reason. You don't need to emphasize that. But all of us, being idealists at heart, like to think of motives that sound good. So, in order to change people, appeal to the nobler motives.

  • Appeal to peoples noble side - "But I still believe you're a man of your word and will live up to your contract. For after all, we are either men or monkeys - and the choice usually lies with ourselves!"

  • For example, he persuaded even Louisa, a famous author, to write for him when she was at the flood tide of her fame; and he did it by offering to send a check for a hundred dollars, not to her, but to her favorite charity" - appealing to her nobility.

Quote

  • "Experience has taught me, that when no information can be secured about the customer, the only sound basis on which to proceed is to assume that he or she is sincere, honest, truthful and willing and anxious to pay the charges, once convinced they are correct."

Principle 10: Appeal to the nobler motives


Chapter 11: The Movies Do IT. TV Does It. Why Don't You Do It.

  • Proving that the newspaper had a lot of content, they printed the newspaper into a book to show all the pages - The printing of that book dramatized the fact that the Bulletin carried an enormous amount of interesting reading matter. It conveyed the facts more vividly, more interestingly, more impressively, than pages of figures and mere talk could have done.

  • Merely stating a truth isn't enough. The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, dramatic. You have to use showmanship. The movies do it. Television does it. And you will have to do it if you want attention.

  • I approached the owner and told him: "You are literally throwing away pennies every time a customer goes through your line. 'With that I threw a handful of pennies on the floor. He quickly became more attentive. The mere words should have been of interest to him, but the sound of pennies hitting the floor really stopped him. I was able to get an order from him to replace all of his old machines."

  • Story appointment with boss - After not being able to get into his schedule, sending a formal letter helped professionalize and got a meeting scheduled right away.

  • Emphasizing the competition - In order to show how much he knew about the competition, he brought bottles of all the competitors products and set it on the table to view.

Principle 11: Dramatize your ideas


Chapter 12: When Nothing Else Works, Try This

  • Story: Getting employees to work harder. Set a friendly competition against the day shift and night shift by writing down their production totals on the walls after every shift.

Quote

  • "The way to get things done is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in sordid, money-getting way, but in the desire to excel."

Principle 12: Throw down a challenge


Part Four: Be a Leader - How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment


Chapter 1: If you must find fault, this is the way to begin

  • It is easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points

  • Example: "My friend, that is a splendid speech, a magnificent speech. No one could have prepared a better one. There are many occasions on which it would be precisely the right thing to say, but is it quite suitable to this particular occasion? Please go home and write a speech along the lines I indicate and send me a copy of it"

  • Beginning with praise is like the dentist who beings his work with Novocain. The patient still gets a drilling, but the Novocain is pain-killing

Principle 1: Begin with praise and honest appreciation.


Chapter 2: How to criticize - and not be hated for it

  • Many people begin their criticism with sincere praise followed by the word "but" and ending with a critical statement. For example, in trying to change a child's carless attitude towards studies, we might say - "we're really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term but if you had worked harder on your algebra, the results would have been better. The but in this case can cause him to question the whole sincerity of the message. This could easily be overcome by changing the word "but" to "and". We're really proud of you for raising your grades and by continuing the same effort you algebra grades can be up as well.

  • "I'm really pleased with the way the front lawn was left last night" - Praise someone else for the work you did to set an example and give them the motivation to keep doing it. Ex. Construction workers leaving the front lawn clean.

Principle 2 - Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly


Chapter 3: Talk about Your Own Mistakes First

  • Example: Joseph, the Lord knows, it's no worse than many I have made. You were not born with judgment. That comes only with experience, and you are better than I Was at your age. I have been guilty of so many stupid silly things myself, I have very little inclination to criticize you, but don’t you think it would have been wiser if you had done so and so?"

  • Admitting one's own mistakes - even when one hasn't corrected them - can help convince somebody to change his behavior.

Principle 3: Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.


Chapter 4: No One Likes to Take Orders

  • Asking people questions make them feel involved and more vested

  • Example: The employees came up with many ideas and insisted that he take the order. They approached it with a "We can do it" attitude, and the order was accepted, produced and delivered on time.

Principle 4: As questions instead of giving direct orders


Chapter 5: Let the Other Person Save Face

  • Never criticize people in front of others

  • Example: The supervisor who was a good worker, after getting criticized in front of his co-workers became useless to the company"

  • Remember to praise people in front of other - they will always remember this

  • Be specific when giving people criticism so that it feels genuine.

Principle 5: Let the other person save face


Chapter 6: How to Spur People On to Success

  • Let us praise even the slightest improvement. That inspires the other person to keep on improving

  • The praise, the recognition, then he received through getting one story in print, changed his whole life, for if it hadn't been for the encouragement he might have spent his entire life working in factories. His name was Charles Dickens"

  • What Mr. Roper did was not just flatter the young printer and say "You're good." He specifically pointed out how his work was superior. Because he had singled out a specific accomplishment rather than just making general flattering remarks, his praise came much more meaningful to the person to whom it was given.

  • Everybody likes to praised, but when praise is specific, it comes across as sincere - not something the other person may be saying just to make one feel good.

  • *The principles taught in this book will work only when they come from the heart. I am not advocating a bag of tricks. I am talking about a new way of life.*

Quote

  • "Praise is like sunlight to the warm human spirit; we cannot flower and grow without it. And yet, while most of us are only too ready to apply to others the cold wind of criticism, we are somehow reluctant to give our fellow the warm sunshine of praise."

Principle 6 - Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.


Chapter 7: Give a Dog a Good Name

  • Label someone as hardworking and they will try their best to achieve that label.

  • The average person, can be led readily if you have his or her respect and if you show that you respect that person for some kind of ability.

  • In short, if you want to improve a person in a certain respect act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics.

  • Example encouraging kids: "Tommy, I understand you are a natural leader, I'm going to depend on you to help me make this class the best class in the fourth grade this year."

Example letter of recognizing someone:

My dear Bridgit,

I see you so seldom, I thought I'd take the time to thank you for the fine job of cleaning you've been doing. By the way, I thought I'd mention that since two hours, twice a week is a limited amount of time, please feel free to work an extra half hour from time to time if you feel you need to do those "one-in-awhile" things like polishing the cup holder and the like. I, of course, will pay you for the extra time.


Principle 7: Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.


Chapter 8 - Make the Fault Seem Easy to Correct

  • The first teacher had discouraged me by emphasizing my mistakes. This new teacher did the opposite. She kept praising the things I did right and minimizing my errors. "You have a natural sense of rhythm, she assured me. You really are a natural-born dancer"

  • Ways to encourage people to do things tell them they have a natural talent for it based on their skill-set: "I found myself for the first time at a bridge table. All because I was told I had a natural flair for it and the game was made to seem easy."

Principle 8 - Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.


Chapter 9: Making people glad to do what you want

  • Explaining why someone was not selected for something: "I replied that the President thought it would be unwise for anyone as official as him to do this as it would attract a great deal of attention"; He told Bryan that he was too important for the job and Bryan was satisfied because of this

  • Important rules of human relations: Always make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

  • When declining something always try and offer a solution to the person asking to minimize the rejection

  • Napoleon's Technique - He would give people grand titles to make people do things. "Legion of Honor" and "Marshals of France"

Effective leader should have the following guidelines in mind:

  • Be sincere. Do not promise anything that you cannot deliver. Forget about the benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person.

  • Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do.

  • Be empathetic. Ask yourself what it is the other person really wants.

  • Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest.

  • Match those benefits to the other person's wants

  • When you make your request put it in a form that will convey the other person the idea will personally benefit them.

Principle 9: Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.


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